First Day Blues

Yesterday was a doozy. 


The day started out pretty great, actually. I woke up extra early to get life ready for London's first day of first grade. Lunch, clothes, school supplies, bag packed. He's been dreading school which in turn gives me a bit of anxiety at the thought of him feeling overwhelmed about school. But, when he woke up he was in good spirits and ready to go.


So far, so good.


We arrived and quickly headed to the front door of our sweet little school, snapped a photo and off he raced in to first grade. It happen in a flash. Literally and figuratively. I longed to linger in the moments outside the school door before he ran in and a brand new chapter began. Time had another plan, I blinked and that memory was over in mere moments.


I kept saying, “that happened so fast, that happened so fast”. I needed that morning to last a little longer.


Baby brother was in tears not being able to go in to school with brother and that tugged on the heart strings even more. Followed by the fact that both Lakeland and I felt like... well, shit. What do we do now? Brother's not here. An odd feeling, indeed.


Off we went in search of distraction, to the park. Then home to play ball for a bit before nap. Nap arrived and off I rushed to therapy (after a whirlwind of trying to find a last minute replacement for my sitter).


Here's where the day took a turn.


Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my therapist. And I love going to therapy. Healing is my jam. However, I can get a little caught up in needing things to happen NOW. Story of my life. Shit I need to deal with. Just trying to stay transparent. I want healing NOW, complete and total. Not possible at the snap of a finger, in one session, or even in months worth of sessions. Still, I want healing NOW. I want radical change NOW. Now, now, now.


Calm down, I know. Trust me. Precisely why meditation is necessary to my soul.


I get to session. Go in, flap my jaws, an hour feels like 5 minutes and I'm walking out the door. Feeling incomplete. This happens sometimes. Sometimes major breakthroughs! Sometimes, keeping head above water.


An incomplete session can spill in to the rest of my day if I'm not careful and that's exactly what happened yesterday. With all of the first day, first grade, emotions and years worth of unsolved inner mysteries resting at the surface I was a ticking time bomb. A very small one, still.


I pick up my sweet big boy from his first day and five minutes in to the ride home it's meltdown central.


I try SO HARD to foster openness and brave communication with my little gentlemen. Often they are wonderful at expressing feelings and sharing with me. Other times, “I don't want to talk about it, EVER!” And my heart freaking breaks.


When we got home he requested some alone time. “I just need to be alone by myself for a little bit.”


I respect that, hard. I understand that. It's also a need of mine. Alone and quiet.


I love that he could communicate that need to me. And as I'm writing this I'm realizing what a little piece of me I was seeing yesterday.


There will always be the days where we need to process on our own the events of the day before we understand our feelings enough to share.

I'm reminded...

Be mindful in honoring your need for this process. Be EXTRA mindful in honoring your little one's need for this process. As parents we can be so pushy for information. Tell me everything and tell me now! I can be this was at times, too. But our babies (no matter how young or old) are little humans and they need our respect as much as they need our love.



While London was upstairs enjoying his alone time I took a moment for pause. Eyes closed, deep inhale. Exhale.




xo tamra.jpg